06 The crime of biting my nails

Society tells us to grit our teeth and endure, but punishes us when that endurance leaves visible marks. What does this contradiction reveal about how we're allowed to cope?

I hate people looking at my hands. I feel the judgement crawling under my skin like a parasite eating through my flesh. But I'm not the parasite destroying myself, unrealistic expectations and people-pleasing are. When people look at my hands they look at me with disgust in their face. "How could you possibly do this to you??," they ask, "why can't you just stop?". Well, wow, haven't thought of that before. Thanks for pointing it out, Mrs Obvious!

For the longest time I just accepted my nails being short, the skin of my fingers being bloody, the constant pain being a companion by my side. Then I started to lean into the pleas of taking care of my hands and did an online research just like any other digital native would do. I was told to track down in which moments the urge to bite arises and what I'm feeling at that moment; I found it to mostly be boredom or overwhelm. Just like smoking forces you to focus on your breath for a moment while damaging your lungs, nail-biting is my self-soothing mechanism. It brings my focus back to what I'm literally clenching my jaw about.

For teeth gritting there are bite guards to wear during nighttime. My dentist didn't want to give them to me as he said it won't resolve the underlying problem. Unfortunately there really isn't something similar to nail biting. Yes, there is a nail polish that tastes bitter in your mouth, but (as sad as that sounds) a proper nail biter won't back down because of this. Tell me, why do we protect people from some bad habits but punish them for others?

After years of struggling, I made a decision last summer: professional nail extensions. For about a year and a half, I spent at least two hours every month or two in stuffy salons with questionable working conditions. This, apparently, was the socially acceptable solution to my visible distress.

Nail-biting such as other Body Focused Repeated Behaviour exists in this liminal space where it's compulsive enough to be difficult to stop, but not recognized as serious enough to deserve understanding. Why? People worry when an issue is visible, but feel overwhelmed the moment they'd actually need to help resolve it. To me biting, ripping, deforming my nails has always been that kind of cry for help that other people ascribed to teens cutting their arms or legs. But instead of getting involved people just started to blame and pointing out their disgust of my lack of discipline.

The irony is delicious: society encourages you to bite down and endure whatever stresses you out, but actually, if you literally bite your nails suddenly you lack self-control. You want me to clench my jaw in determination, but not to nibble my fingertips in anxiety. Totally makes sense :)

While on vacation, two nails broke off and another got torn. And suddenly, from one moment to the next, I was done. Done with being mocked because my long nails were impractical for everyday life. Done with tiptoeing around a soda can so I wouldn't break them. Done with obsessing over visible grow-out, calculating how much longer each design might pass as acceptable.

What followed was, in my opinion, the only thing that was ever truly disgusting about my nails: biting the extensions off. And I won't sugar-coat it, it was painful. On the other hand I never claimed this whole thing wasn't. But as pathetic as it might sound, I just want to finally be okay with the way I am. I want it to be okay that it shows when I'm struggling.

We celebrate gritting our teeth in silence, but punish visible proof of struggle. As if the problem isn't the pressure we're under, but our failure to hide it perfectly. But maybe messy and imperfect is exactly what we need to see more of: the honest evidence that stress leaves marks and that coping doesn't always look pretty. Maybe this can finally help me with breaking my vicious circle of people-pleasing and starting living up to my own standards and capacities instead of everyone else's.